Getting your own back
  • A rainy friday middle morning had a crap week wouldnt matter if got a run of 50 dockets all going to same place wouldnt make the day or week any better as you know you are down on your weekly targert as monday and tuesday were crap and trying to hit 300 plus was going to be a total miracle
    Get a job to go to client who office is up ten flights of stairs walk up the ten flights of steep stairs feeling the wetness in your socks the contempt for the wanker of a controller as you think you have been stiched up with a crap passport office wait and and return just as the circuit gos mental and you realise you might just have been able to save the week
    Walk into the clients office be met with that look of disdain that certain people have for couriers when they walk into there clean office dripping wet
    Wait for the pharse is it raining by some chubby chopped bloke in a suit with sausge fingers
    Is it raining outside and reply with that smirk that really says fuck off you cunt
    Listen to the rain dripping against the windows as chubby fingered bloke gives you his application for a passport and listen to him tell you how badly he needs it back by today as he is off on holiday on sunday but dosent speak in a tone of voice that is polite more in a tone of voice that a scientist might speak to a monkey in a lab when tests yet another product in the poor things eyes so you get the idea looks at you speaks to you as if you are his monkey
    Not sure if to tell bloke to fuck off there and then or swallow your pride and accept been spoke to like you are a worthless bit of shit
    Smile that award winning colgate smile and say no worries and take his application form tell him be back as soon as poss
    So get to bottom of stairs unlock bike as sun comes out listen to radio going mental even the new person is clocking up the dockets
    So what dose someone who is having a bad week do
    Answer in a minute
  • You do what is the right thing you get yourself down to Petty France you q you get his passport application processed and you then return to chubby bloke finger
    Who on your return with his passport is now treating you as he is your best friend but you know and only you know how easily you could have wrecked his weekend and his two week holiday if you had decided to treat his passport application with the contempt he treated you as you walked into his office
    How easy it would have been to rang the controller and said ring the cleint as he hasnt put any passport pics in his application had the pleasure of seeing his sorrowful look of total despair when say mate you didnt included any pics listen to him swear blind they were in the application watch his chubby fingers sweat as he knows his holiday is fucked prob go home to raging row with his partner all because his desire to make someone he dosent know feel a cunt
    The moral of the story always treat people with respect because you never know how easily another person can ruin your day
    Here end the lesson
  • The standard answer to 'is it raining' is 'you don't know what you're missing' said with sincerity.
  • So the standard answer to is it raining is no longer
    Nah ya chubby finger shit it is like Ibzia outside im soaking as just made your chubby chin wife squirt when she came because im so fit now stick that in your pipe and smoke it as im off to the cross to score some crap rocks and pretend im superman for the rest of the afternoon
    Oh my the way can you sign my waiting time please
    The utter bitterness of a rainy buzy friday stuck in petty france watching the smugness of some as they get their hands on that beautiful redish little book that will allow them to fly off to sunnier climes and the total despair of those who reailse they dont have the right documeants and will miss the flight they should be on
    Know they have that gut awful feeling of saying bye to friends and family as they fly out on the late friday evening flight as they are stuck behind
    But it could be worse as rem if you ever have this exp in the Passport office dont fear as browsing thru holiday brochures can be a very close second essp if done wearing a string vest pair of shades and just to make it feel a tad more realistic two bags of sand from Wickes scattered on your floor and dont forget to have something red to hang over the light bulb to give the whole exp of a beautiful sunset
    Who needs passports who needs holidays
    Well i can tell you who dose i do
    I need a holiday so much i am considering ringing up Daybreak This morning and all those other shows that allow you the chance to win a fab holiday and 20 grand spending money if only they made the questions a little bit easier
  • A few questions such as
    Why did American cowboys need to shoe their horses but the native Americns did not
    Why dose your weight seem to differ if your bathroom scales are placed on carpert instead of solid wooden floor
    Why do we have an instincitve tendency to hunch our shoulders when walking outside in cold nd raainy conditions
    Why dose pressed garlic turn bright turquoise when rosted with red pepper
    Now if they had those type of questions on Daybreak i might stand chance of winning a luxury all in break to Butlins or Pontins
    Qs were all taken from the New Scientist really good read i think if i could understand a word of what they were on about
    And one final q why is it when your chain breaks and you dont have a chain delinker if you stop ten cyclists none of them have one either i think maybe the answer to that is they do have but dont want to lend it to be so i can fix my bike perhaps it is because i have chubby fingers or perhaps because they can see the type of person i really am beghind my colgate smile
    So many questions so many answers
    None which i know and prob will ever know
  • I only read the first couple of paragraphs, and already I can tell that you work for Citysprint.

    Fuck u guys, s'all about the G L MOTHER FUCKIN H!!!!!!
  • Skimmed a bit more.....

    .... I Can't believe you think that stopping ten casual cyclists is going to yield a chain delinker. I doubt 1 in a 100 cyclists in London is actually carrying one. And if you ( a courier) doesn't have one, what makes you think that Mr Boris Bike will?

    Fuck you guys, it's DEFINATELY all about the G L MOTHER FUCKIN H!!!!!!!
  • I dont work for city sprint never have never will i worked G L MOTHER FUCKING H crew back in the day of 2.75 mins and cash work flowing out the radio system because GLH had the biggest ad in Yellow pages five pounds in your back pocket for a TCR to TCR
    Never stop a casual cyclist as you dont know if they run with the ICF or Bushwhacker crew and when i did snap a chain never had to really ask anyone for a chain delinker as would call out for assiantce from a fellow GLH wrecking crew member to assist as you know GLH never let you down unlike Rick Ashely You sang never gonna give you up gonna never let you down(But you Know Carter3.50 Rick Ashely give you up to Shaw Taylor for so much as stealing a pint of milk from earnie the milkman on your way home on your massive silver 10000 horse after a night out clubbing in the top clubs of London like the Hippodrome and Stringfellows
    Keep the bike wheels turning Carter3.5 as only you and you alone can say the Despatch Industry a big job but like they used to say at GLH no job to small and def no job to big not for our GL FUCKING H CREW
    By the way you sure you dont really work for Boon and just pretend you part of the red elite with the ace messnger bags
  • In fact Carter3.5 using a word like skimmed you sure you aint working for the MILK MARKETING BOARD as seems like a word they might use Skimmed Milk or perhaps you work on same site i was on recently where all the plaster skim fell off the wall when someone banged the door i got horriable feeling you might really be a cowboy builder as words like skimmed are only used by myself and fellow cowboy builders such as Yes we will dig four feet foundations and use portand cement when in fact dont dig any fountations and give the grass a quater inch skim of wicks cements and then go home wand watch ourselfs on DONT GET DONE GET DOM he off morning telly who has made it his own personal quest to expose the shady antics of cowboy builders
    So carter3.5 rem when you wake up in the morning dont skim on the full fat milk as riding all day and night need double energy of the green giant
    Keep on trucking Carter3,5 and dont you ever forget its all about the (Fill in your own unique catchpharse dont go stealing one of Roy Walkers Say what you see its good but not right)
  • "Why did American cowboys need to shoe their horses but the native Americns did not" Because they needed to when riding on paved roads
    Why dose your weight seem to differ if your bathroom scales are placed on carpert instead of solid wooden floor" Because you are so fat even your scales are confused
    Why do we have an instincitve tendency to hunch our shoulders when walking outside in cold nd raainy conditions" Because, if you are of a normal build, not morbidly obese and cant reach around, it does actually warm warm you up.
    Why dose pressed garlic turn bright turquoise when rosted with red pepper" Because you are a complete dickhead with nothing better to do than post shit.
    Here is a question for you. Why cant you spell or simply fuck off?
  • That's right, isn't it? LEARN TO SPELL OR JUST FUCK OFF!

    How incredibley profound.
  • Whats wrong Carter? Tell me the story so we can better understand you.

    So far:

    You ride a 500cc motorbike for GLH, and dont like push bike riders.

    Never met anyone so interesting in my whole life, fuck me now!
  • Careful now mate.

    I know a couple of push bike riders on circuit. We got our fair share.

    That's how I know exactly who the fuck you are.

    Keep those specs polished Mr CitySprint, so you can see that BAD MAN G L MOTHER FUCKIN H.... WHEN HE COMIN FOR UUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
  • Cool man buy me a beer at full city tomorrow and we can all meet you! Red Stripe sir! And I'll have your bag, mine leaked today.

    Specs or no specs you'de better be on spec cos now its all out in the open that your coming to fullcity tomorrow the whole crews gonna tear you a new asshole if you do turn up. And if you kill me fuck it its my time I really dont give a flying fuck do your worst it will put me out of my misery
  • Don't worry. I'm not gonna hurt you boy. Now get up off your knees n stop this pathetic grovelling n start acting like a man. Just remember, when you hear that 500cc behind you, or see that G L MOTHER FUCKIN H, you just make you stay out the way now kid. There's a good lad.
  • Oh im afraid im not coming to "full city", takin out this receptionist on my bike tomorrow after work. She always wears high heels.
  • Observing these masterminds bouncing ideas off each other is like being in Bob Dylans boudoir in the early sixties as he created his inspired, genius art. I truly feel honoured just to be able to feast my eyes and mind on these magnificent dispatches. Chapeau, Sirs, Chapeau!
  • He's just some cyclist having a laugh surely. At least I hope so. There isn't anyone as sad as that, is there? He said he had 650cc bike the other day and now it's only 500.
  • @Pornomike why cant i spell you know what really not sure why have never got a grasp of spelling or grammer but not the type of person to let it really bother me but if bothers you let me know and will make sure i will never ask if you would like to be my pen pal
    Also just let you know your answers to those qs from NS were wrong but wouldnt worry about it as i got them wrong as well who knows we might have the same IQ
  • @Carrter make sure you treat her like a lady and dont forget no night bus home for you as use the GL FUCKING H top mini cab service home no night bus for you and your lady friend having to listen to the drunken riff raff from the people on the top deck
    And if you are looking for top tip on what box of chcoclates to buy get Terry All Gold unless you prefer black magic but what ever you do dont get a quarter of lemon drops as thats just cheap and GLH aint cheap

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