Afternoon, all. I'm currently applying for jobs as a London courier. I look forward to donning the radio, if only to put the days of condescending looks from you lot for looking the part but obviously not playing it behind me.

I've been finding it tricky to find decent locations around the 'Smoke to relieve oneself when nature calls, when a bush or tree just won't do. Been using the Tate Modern of late, but I know that'll be completely impractical if I want to make even the least amount of cash in this business to support my awfully cliche-ridden music career. Pubs can be good but sometimes I can't bring myself to face the stern 'this chap won't be buying a drink today' looks from the barstaff. Any help?

Alex

It may surprise the younger generation to learn that there were once an astounding number of things called public lavatories in London. Like bison covering the plains of North America before the arrival of the honky, like Tory MPs in inner-city constituencies, like County Championship Penants fluttering over the home dressing room at Headingley, like judicial sentences harsher than a stiff finger wagging or ten minutes community service, like funny films starring Steve Martin........the place was full of 'em. Then some bright spark at a local authority decided to make a few quid by flogging them off as tanning salons and, as is usually the case in our bandwagon-jumping-but-culturally-diverse paradise, all the other local authorites followed suit.
However, tucked away in hard-to-find places - much less obvious than the French pissoir - there are (Shock! Horror!) still a few of these "public lavatories" about. There is even a sort of pissoir at the junction of Horseferry Road and Regency Street!
Buy a dinky little A-Z that lists public bogs. Some can be found at:
Junction of Carnaby Street and Great Marlborough Street. (Don't drop your lock key, as it's full of mincing nonces.)
Broadwick Street just east of Poland Street. (Don't drop your lock key here either!)
The NE corner of Lincoln's Inn Fields. (Take a clothes peg in summer.)
Strand/Aldwych at the eastern end of St. Clement's Church. (Ear plugs recommended as it's full of whingeing cabbies)
Paddington Street opposite Luxborough Street.
Alongside the bowling green in the middle of Finsbury Square....actually, is that still there?
The urban myth that under an ancient law you can piss against the offside rear wheel of a vehicle if you shout "Relief! Relief!" is just that - you can be done for indecent exposure.
Of course, many clients will have accessible bogs on their premises, though increasing numbers of these are locked nowadays.
Pissing in the lifts of clients that piss you off is an excellent policy - but bear in mind that many lifts have CCTV these days. West One / City Sprint lost the Credit Suisse account in the days when CCTV in lifts was almost unheard of, coz someone pissed in what must have been the only CCTV lift in W1. If you have to do this, to get vengeance on a security guard or receptionist, do what I do: take a Lucozade bottle into a bog, piss in it, and empty the contents slyly in the lift, using your courier bag to shield your activities from the lens.

Get out of bed on the wrong side, did we?

From days of yore: my favourite were always the bogs at Lowe Howard Spinks, Knightsbridge. I believe they've knocked it all down now - built a hotel or summat. Sixth floor reception: "ok if I use your bogs?" - "of course!" They had bloody showers too: perfect on hot summers days "don't call me for ten minutes Auntie, just using the facilities at Bowater House". Halcyon days...

Oh BTW, a nonce is a child-molester not a homosexual. The guys in the Broadwick bog are prob cottaging.

Covent Garden toilets

Oh yeah, me and Scotty piss there all the time.

if you wear lycra just piss yourself.....
if anyone asks........your sweating thru hard work!! seen.

it only seems to happen when you get off the bike.(the burst of bladder that is)!.