Zack Speedfast 'cheats death' - again!
10.07.07 by Buffalo Bill
Nubile women all over London breathed a sigh of relief tonight, as news of the sensational attempted murder of Zack Speedfast, uber-courier extraordinaire, filtered out. A police news black-out was lifted this afternoon after the apprehension by officers from the elite ‘Fakenger’ squad, armed with 108 inch gears and NJS s/s bars, of the man suspected of attempting to end the glittering courier career of the Speeder. It seems that the weapon was this car, and the scene was this ordinary London street.
‘It’s well known that you can get away with murder if you are sitting behind the wheel of a car, and only Mr Speedfast’s extra-terrestrial bike-handling skills allowed him to avoid an untimely and unsightly end under the tyres of this maniac’, said Chief Insp Dolittleornothing.
Sources close to the investigation believe that the suspect can be linked to an international conspiracy trying to thwart the multiple cloning of Mr Speedfast, an event that would lead to a 1 000 000 % improvement in the services offered by London’s courier companies to their customers. ‘I wouldn’t like to speculate too much, but pundits who have been predicting the demise of the courier business for the last 20 years could be involved – the continuing existence of bicycle messengers is a major blow to their credibility.’
Other sources implicated the Evil Empire and its so-called ‘Pink Side’ – Rapha. Zack’s continuing rebuttal of their temptations is known to have enraged their leader, the nefarious Simone di Motoram.
‘I can’t say too much, but I know where to look – and it won’t be too far from a beard’, said the Speedster.