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Twenty-odd Questions - Tim
29.07.11 by Dazzler

How old are you? 36

Hang name/callsign? 35 Tim

How long have you been a courier? I think I started last May or June. So a year, then.

What was your first bike? A mint green, folding Raleigh Shopper back in ’83. I wanted a Raleigh Burner or Supergoose bmx and I got this damn shopper, complete with basket. I wrecked it by taking off the mudguards and brakes and trying to do jumps on it.

What do you ride now? As of very recently, a lovely red Condor Potenza. It replaces my Raleigh Record Sprint.

Who do you ride for? Pink Express.

Describe your childhood in 3 words. A passing phase.

Best docket you’ve ever been given? I was kind of amused to be ferrying a muffin from one end of west one to the other although I got a deflated football the other day, which kinda made me chuckle. I’m still waiting for one of those fabled, jaw-droppingly well-paid dockets, though. I think they are courier urban myths.

Worst thing about being a courier? I actually really dislike being talked down to. The cold, miserable days where I really feel like I’m suffering I ultimately feel will make me stronger and I kind of enjoy getting to the end of the day but there is nothing to be gained from being addressed in a manner that is demeaning. It just gives me angry-face for the rest of the day.

Best thing about being a courier? When the weather is fine and you have one of those days when everything seems to flow. The road opens up before you, gaps in the traffic appear and you feel like your mind exists three seconds in the future whilst the rest of you exists in the moment. Pure bliss.

What’s your earliest memory? Falling down the stairs when I was three and hitting my head on a Dimplex heater (which was bizarrely positioned at the bottom of the stairs!). I got to ride in the front seat of my dads car on the way to hospital, which was usually not allowed.

Who are your heroes? There are people I admire – some famous and some not-so-famous but I wouldn’t say I have any heroes.

What’s on your Ipod/MP3 player? A mixture of allsorts, really. Examples of which include Aphex Twin, Propaghandi, Active Slaughter, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Beth Orton, ATR, Marianne Faithful and loads of other stuff that doesn’t really go together!

Best piece of clothing/equipment you carry? Pearl Izumi balaclava. No matter how cold my ears get, as soon as I put it on within minutes my ears will be all toasty warm again. It’s also saved me the horrible snow/sleet/rain down the back of the neck thing on many an occasion. Well worth the money.

Advice to any wannabe couriers? Stock up on pocket A-Zs. They disintegrate rather rapidly in the first few months and always look out for multi-buy offers on Vaseline.

Best chat-up line ever given/received to/by a receptionist? The girl in the loading bay of one of our regulars asked if she could squeeze my pink horn and did so in such a manner that left me somewhat distracted for the rest of the day.

What’s the best value lunch deal in town? The free coffee in the TalkTalk shop in Soho. Builders Bars from Condor on Grays Inn Road if you need a quick fix of vegan protein. The falafel wraps from Brothers Cafe on Leather Lane, EC1 are more than a meal and pretty good value at £2.50 a time.

Favourite place to stand by? In the west end – see above. In the middle, Fullcity on Leather Lane but I’d rather be kept rolling.

What made you become a courier? Years ago, I recall seeing a courier outside Victoria train station (I was down on a visit from Yorkshire) and thought ‘wow.. what an awesome job. I’d love to do that’ but I never actually thought I ever would. It was only when I moved here that I realised that distant dream could quite easily become a reality and here I am today and I love it.

In a parallel universe you would be.. able to answer this question! No, seriously.. I’m drawing blanks. Umm.. maybe I’d be the Anti-Tim.. a towering beanpole of pure cabbie.

What one thing would improve the quality of your life? The banning of black cabs from the bus lanes and compulsory cycling hours for all drivers in order to qualify for a licence. OK, that’s two things.

Who’d play you in the film of your life? Some unknown, short-arsed northern twat.

What would be your catchphrase? Bloody ‘ell.

What has your been your proudest moment/greatest achievement? It’s hard to single out any one particular moment. My life consists of little achievements and therefore plenty of proud moments.

If you could go back and edit the past is there anything you would change? Not a damn thing. It’s the past, warts and all and that’s made me the person I am today and I quite like where I’m at.

What’s the worst job you’ve ever done? Probably what was dubbed the ‘wees and weighs’ in outpatients. I had to weigh patients and test their urine prior to their appointment with the consultant and during busy clinics I would find myself trapped in this tiny room becoming totally overwhelmed by the appearance of ever-increasing pots of piss, some of which would smell quite vile.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you? To see things in their simplest form. Otherwise one can fall into the trap of trying to deconstruct everything in an attempt to find meaning where there is little meaning and that can really do your head in. Some things are just not meant to be understood.

How would you like to be remembered? I don’t really care, so long as I’m not forgotten (so sayeth my ego!).

When were you happiest? Right now.

what would your superpower be? The ability to freeze time.

You have a time machine – where would you go? I’d go back to 20th September 1976 for a night out at the 100 Club on Oxford Street

What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading ‘The Third Policeman’ by Flann O’Brien. It’s bloody weird! I’d highly recommend it if you’re into bikes and weirdness.

Freedom is… a state of mind.

How do you relax? I sleep!

Tell us something about yourself we would never guess. I used to be a nurse.

You’ve got one youtube video link – what is it? This!

Tell us a joke. How do you make a cat go ‘whoof’? Pour petrol on it and set it alight.

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