Fakenger
3.02.07 by Buffalo Bill
“Why can’t they dress up as milk-men instead?” , asked a messenger outside the pub the other night, with a nod over his shoulder at a small crowd of them standing a few feet away.
You know what I mean: Bianchi Pista or a Specialized Langster; SIDIs that haven’t been scuffed or Converse that haven’t been repaired with parcel tape; a Chrome bag that’s still water-proof or a brightly coloured Crumpler; no radio or holster on the strap, only a mobile phone holder or an MP3 player; black Campy hat with a rainbow stripe that has an unbroken peak; a spoke-card from an Alleycat a friend gave them; clean Dickies; no sweat-stains on the t-shirt.
Some messengers call them posengers. Missengers, Tofu called them. I saw a lot of them at the Bicycle Film Festival, hanging around, and taking in the vibes.
But why all the bitching, guys? ‘Real’ messengers complaining about ‘fakengers’ is about as interesting and worthwhile as me telling anyone who will listen that when I first started riding fixies there was only 4 other messengers on fixed in the whole city, or that the correct term is ‘fixed-wheel’ not ‘fixed-gear’. See how annoying it is?
Why do some messengers get resentful when they see other cyclists engaging in the sincerest form of flattery? It’s a mystery. It’s not as if anyone could mistake a fakenger for a messenger, for one thing, the fakenger doesn’t smell nearly as bad, and for another he (or she) is probably paying for his own drinks.
I guess all you fakenger-haters will say that I am only standing up for fakengers now because I am one. And you would be right, I am a fakenger. London Bicycle Fakenger Association anyone?
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Bill, your seat is too low you fake arse. Messengers suck and are going to lose at raphapaluza cos they are too poor to afford the proper nutrition.
— muppetleague Feb 3, 08:35 PM #
...wait, all the messengers at raphapaluza are from Metro – if you pay them, they might win. Rapha rules!
— muppetleague Feb 3, 08:37 PM #
err …cnut!
— muppetleague Feb 3, 08:38 PM #
‘London Bicycle Fakenger Association anyone?’
Can I join?
— Jetbike Feb 3, 09:27 PM #
yeah – put your seat lower though.
— muppetleague Feb 4, 03:48 PM #
If i continue using an ordinary
rucksack is it ok if i roll up
my jeans?
— Vagrant Feb 4, 06:17 PM #
I showed Kieran (London’s fastest bicycle messenger) this page and he looked at the picture and said: ‘that’s a messenger not a fakenger…’ .... lol
— Bill Feb 5, 02:42 PM #
what’s wrong with bianchi pista..nearest u can get to 70’s frejus track vibe…people need to stop hating and welcome all cyclists..insularity is bred of insecurity
— breaking away Feb 5, 05:56 PM #
Nothing wrong with Bianchi Pista; nothing wrong with anything that has pedals and gets people from A to B. Cliques and cliqueyness suck.
— Bill Feb 5, 05:58 PM #
Don’t you want to be in my fakenger controller clique then?
— Caspar Feb 5, 06:47 PM #
Well, I’m the guy who brought you the hat from Lausanne, and actually… I feel like a fakenger, a chromebag without a bike, I hope you didn’t laugh too much, and in fact, I don’t really care.
Your office is nice, amazing for a messenger of Swizerland to see so many dispatchers… thank for your blog, see you in Dublin… with a bike and an old short
— michel Feb 5, 06:58 PM #
Hey, Mike over at Cranked magazine had something similar to say about the incorrect association that people make between Cranked and the messenger scene.
— James Feb 5, 09:37 PM #
Hey Michel, thanks for the hat, welcome to the LBFA! It was nice to see you, even if I was a little too busy to show proper appreciation. Bonne chance!
— Bill Feb 5, 10:18 PM #
do milk-men still exists? where are you ernie
— the real slim shakey Feb 6, 12:15 AM #
cycling around the old streets of london on a track bike can be such a delight..it must be tough for the messengers that they no longer can keep this arcane activity to themselves
— breaking away Feb 6, 12:38 PM #
Your not a fakenger because you were a messenger. You know what its like to be soaked to the skin and freezing cold at 10am and still have to work untill at least 6. You’ve broken bones and gone back to work as soon as you could manage. You’ve ridden yourself into the ground for your company. You understand how much this job can make you suffer. You know the high you get from 9-11hrs on the road like nearly no other cyclist. You’ve done the most dangerous job in the world. You’ve earnt your stripes.
Your not a trendhopper, your not doing this for the image. You have a bond with other messengers that you cannot get from having ‘the right bike’, ‘the right bag’, ‘the right cycle cap’. You don’t ride a $2000 bike because a messenger’s wage would never pay that
Thats what makes you a messenger and not a fakenger.
— twitch Feb 6, 02:06 PM #
can any one tell me where i can get my hands on the simply must have crocodile skin bikini’s?
— jed-eye Feb 6, 02:16 PM #
I do ride a $2000 bike, and when I was a messenger I rode my old $2000 bike. And I never broke a bone working (I broke bones racing, but not working as a bicycle messenger). It might be the most dangerous job in the US, but I don’t think it’s the most dangerous job in the world – Iraqi policeman? Brazilian gold-miner? Don’t expose yourself to ridicule by making such statements. I look like a messenger but I am not. Therefore I am a fakenger.
— Bill Feb 6, 02:22 PM #
Your not a fakenger because you were a messenger. I think your just suggesting your a fakenger to create a stir amongst messengers. I could be more of a dickabout that but I think you know thats not my style
anyways I’m not gonna be drawn into arguing on the internet. I’ve made my views quite clear. If anyone wants to debate with me ask after me at the pub.
— twitch Feb 6, 02:42 PM #
‘You’ve done the most dangerous job in the world’
That was a typo, you knew what I ment. It should say one of the most.
— twitch Feb 6, 02:45 PM #
on many a friday evening i am often under the impresion that i am in deed a brazilian gold-miner, do i qualify as a fakenger, please let me know soon as my canery has stopped singing.
p.s. i always wondered where Bill got the dough to ride flash bikes around the street with out braking his bones, knowing now that he used to be a corupt Iraqi police man, the pieces in the puzzle are starting to fall in place.
— jed-eye Feb 6, 03:35 PM #
Provocative, moi?
— Bill Feb 6, 04:12 PM #
Your all fake! Lets all go to Manchester for the world cup and see how track bikes should be ridden.
— wee scott Feb 6, 11:58 PM #
Yes, doing messenger work is hard work. It can also be fun. Unlike a lot of other hard jobs. Worst job I ever had, was printing t-shirts. Lots of repetitive movements. That was the hardest work I ever did. Hard work and it sucked! Needless to say, I lasted just about 3 weeks.
— Therese Feb 7, 01:55 PM #
See, this is another eg of the devisive shit that keeps getting bandied around – part of the inevitable backlash now that fg culture is ‘in’.
I don’t give a rat’s ass about what ya ride or what clothes ya wear while riding – this is all so much playground bollocks that keeps cyclists divided and bitchin’ at each other. Twitch – messengering yr first job eh? ‘One of the hardest jobs in the world’?? statements like that just make you come over as a bit of a tool. Better to direct your energies into some of the things that REALLY matter to us cyclists, whether they’re commuters, couriers, racers or whatever – things like improving integration on the public transport, educating drivers about sharing the road, getting HGVs etc the fuck out of our cities during the day, getting the state to give a fuck about a cyclists life when they’re mown down by some cock in a lorry…
And anyway, like someone said above, we’re all fakers. There’s bugger all that’s original in this world. You’re all fakers to me cos I don’t just pussy around town at 15mph all day but ride my track bike HARDCORE style – on the Velodrome at 40mph whilst bangin heads, shoulders and the rest with guys who would f*ck you into the railings at as much as look at you… See, it’s all bragging bollocks.
— mickster Feb 7, 04:24 PM #
If a chap rides his currently styled fixed wheel bike down the duke and he’s wearing a messenger bag and shoes with little wear, just how is he poser?
surely he’s just a chap in need of a pint.
style/styles dictate fashion after all, basically it’s bill’s fault, fortunately the era of striped day-glo skintight leggings is over right bill?
— andy f*ckin capp! Feb 7, 11:11 PM #
I’ve got a Chopper with Sturmey Archer gears & I go to the track too. Therfore I’m the coolest fakenger.
— caspar Feb 8, 10:29 AM #
bloody hell, half of you fellas need to take a chill pill! surely more people on bikes is better than more cars? also you might find that these so called “fakengers” might be half decent people who might buy you a pint or talk about something else other than how many shit jobs you got or how many multidrops blah blah blah usual friday night or any other night at the duke nonsense, before the cheap coke and pills kick in!
— the real slim shakey Feb 8, 10:43 AM #
hi folks,
almost all of you are fakengers,
just stop make fetish & religion from your job, start respect other cyclists, ride hard & be careful…
— one less car Feb 8, 12:40 PM #
I ride to work, I also drink after work. Has anyone thought that the reason people dress like couriers is becuase they wear the most comfortable clothes to both cycle and drink in? See also the bags. Riding to work with change of clothes etc is far easier with a proper bag. The fixed issue is completely different thing and I agree has been highjacked by Nathan Barley types “its the purity of the ride man”...
— larryred Feb 8, 12:42 PM #
everyone can ride whatever want to. messfakenger stop usurp ait only for yourself right to ride on fixed wheel, its silly…
— one less car Feb 8, 01:12 PM #
I’ve got a Chipper that is a fixie too. Damn I must be the coolest!
— caspar Feb 8, 02:14 PM #
When I ride my fixie it has a sticker that says “beer is for winners.” When I drive my truck it has a sticker that says “one less fixie.” Bill’s not a messenger, he’s an old git.
— Grey Feb 8, 09:43 PM #
Real fakengers™ keep it real – pussy messengers.
— Zak Speedphake Feb 9, 08:23 AM #
to the snobengers…my whip…my rules…my way
— 2WArmy Feb 9, 09:41 AM #
A few years ago, I was in the dead center of the “hipster” scene. At all the right art openings, the best bars, lastnightsparty, in shoes that cost more than a months rent. And I got really angry, really quickly with all the snobbery surrounding me. I was in someone else’s skin. I then became involved in the “messenger” community through some friends. What I (thought I) found was a group of people who had the same intelligence, involvement and interests as many of the people I previously knew, without any of the rubbish condescending attitudes, or clique mentality. Reading this discourse only saddens me to realise that perhaps what I found to be an open accepting group of people is an illusion. I ride my bike, I wear what is comfortable and I enjoy the company of my friends, messenger, fakenger or neither. No, I havn’t experienced the peril of 9 hours on the road every day, but have you ever asked where I have been, what I have done? You might have a chance to learn something from me as well. In large cities especially, it is hard to find a community, a village in the megatropolis, and the messengers (and friends) have this. Albeit all of this, I do hope that what I first found in the courier “community” does exist beneath the surface. Remember the first time you got on a bike? (excluding when you were 5…) It wasn’t about how you looked, or who you knew. It was the joy of riding.
(and maybe, for the sake of argument, none of this applies to me because I am a girl…)
— Someone Feb 9, 01:49 PM #
maybe you are the one i’ve been waiting for.
would you know were i can get my hands on that crocodile skin bikini.
— jed-eye mind trix Feb 10, 12:07 PM #
Let’s settle this by group hug!
(And also opening up the alleycats.)
Lets make it inclusive.
I love my bicycle.
— Vagrant Feb 10, 12:44 PM #
I remember how in the late 8O’s and later the mid 90’s (god that makes it sound likes it was decades away – hold on it actually was decades away!), me and my fellow ‘original’ street skateboarders saw with disdain the ride of skateboard fashion in the non-skating public..
You guys will have reasons to complain when kids will start wearing SIDIs, rolled up jeans, Campag caps and Chrome bags to go out in the evening, WITHOUT A BIKE. In the meantime you should just be glad there are more cyclists out there, risking their life as much as you, probably even more because they’re riding their Pistas brakeless straight out of Evans…
— le car Feb 10, 07:02 PM #
Ah what ho, the old ever decreasing circles. How much does it matter? Fun to read though, cheers.
— nanosan Feb 12, 10:29 AM #
hehe true le car
now I as the ‘fakenger’ that I am can see why someone rocking in to crystal palace with a world championship jersey would raise an eyebrow or two but you wont generally see a racer sticking his foot too far in his mouth before the gun goes based on an item of clothing…fuck it maybe he is a world champion
and I wont lie I hate bromptons, people who wear helmets backwards and tricycle racing but when my stinky messenger mates start getting huffy about fashion I wanna jam their collective radios up their arses, its not a fucking uniform is it??
On a slightly unrelated point whos the chap with the ski goggles, he cracks me up every time I see him, champion!!
— fixedfiend Feb 14, 03:03 PM #
I wonder if early pioneers of the bicycle such as Baron Karl von Drais would regard us all as fakelists.
— Walshy Feb 16, 12:19 PM #
Incorrect article info. Fixed wheel is a gear ratio set by wheel size – the pedals are fixed directly to the wheel e.g. penny farthings.
Do not worry about genuine or non-genuine couriers – it is all the same – low-speed, low-effort. Try racing – you will have fewer words.
— Martin Feb 25, 11:11 PM #
Martin
thanks for the tips. I’ll be sure to try some ‘racing’ sometime in an effort to cut down on superfluous words. Like pendant.
— London's leading fakenger Feb 27, 09:36 AM #
well i ride fixed and thought riding it all day to pay the rent would be ace. so i tried it but instead it turned out to be shite. all the office bimbo’s looked at me like i was a piece of shit as i turned up all sweat blood and mud in their offices and the pay was crap. so i quit after one day got another job teaching kiddies to ride but i still ride fixed, have a messenger bag and like to hang out with some messengers sometimes to talk bikes and drink beer. i dont give a fuck if im a fakenger, surely its about the bike and riding and how fucking ace it is to ride fixed? and all the messenger stuff like the bag and little locks are just stuff that messengers realised were the most economical, light and easiest things to use when riding..well done for doing that its good that people riding all the time can pass on that info..but..i know its hard to let go of the baby but try to be happy that others are enjoying it too.
— grrrl Mar 3, 12:49 PM #
I’m a fakenger to be honest.
— Fakenger of Doom Mar 4, 07:56 PM #
Personally I think the touring bike will be the next big thing. Fenders, racks and barends…what’s not to love.
— renorambler Mar 30, 03:27 AM #
I hate these guys, they give me the creeps, but I’ve also found the best way to deal with them is to wait for someone else to point it out (or to catch them telling a lie about what they do for a living). Their humiliation comes with blank stares of confusion when someone finally asks them if they’re “a messenger or what??” Either they have to explain their whole getup, or they tell an obvious lie that it is then my place to call them on. My favorite time was on a ride this faker tried to lie and say he had worked for a company I used to work for — he didn’t even know their real name, the boss’s name, or where the office was.
Speaking of clearing up illusions; I’ve been a bike courier for 4 years, am self employed with a great clientele, never do drugs or even drink much, make great money, and I have never ridden a fixed gear. I also drive trucks, when they come in handy. I use the bike most all the time just because it’s the best tool for the job.
— roy Apr 3, 06:53 AM #
if messengers only would start wearing white spandex skinsuits. fakengers would be outnumbered in no time.
and after a couple of beers we wouldn’t even notice anymore
— haute courier May 4, 09:52 AM #
....a couple of links below:- cyclists that know a bit about the grind of long bikes rides….theyre both fakengers tho I expect.
http://www.alastairhumphreys.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graeme_Obree
— kipsy May 14, 03:48 PM #
bring back denim look lycra. Or maybe denim look lycra tights. They’d be the skinniest jeans you’ve ever seen. Seriously who cares.
: )
— carmen May 15, 06:50 PM #
only fakengers have the money for a ‘pooter to look at moving target.
Plus…
Messengers spend their day on a bike so they can’t post stuff innit
— sid May 22, 08:38 PM #
I’ve been into bikes for ever, and lots of other stuff too, my view is who cares have fun, I’m selling the last bike i’ve built to the never ending cricle of it all.
xxx
pwee
— pezy Jun 4, 01:58 PM #
does anyone remember that guy ‘97ish with a blonde curly bob and an all in on white skinsuit with spedo length shorts? why did that look not catch on?
— footlong Jun 5, 08:56 AM #
Ahh, Calvin I think his name was. Short fuse that boy had. Didn’t he wear trainers with the skinsuit?
— Bill Jun 5, 09:44 AM #
he sounds like my absolute fucking hero. remember the bloke that had the army helmet and matching shorts? used to crack me up.
— flappy feet Jun 5, 06:46 PM #
Do you mean Aubrey? Black guy, always rode a MTB
— Bill Jun 5, 07:13 PM #
no, he was a white guy, quite young. wasn’t aubrey the loon from wheels despatch that wore a top hat with a feather in it? my god the more i think about it the crazier the people i can remember
— flappy feet Jun 5, 08:28 PM #
Hi all, sorry to see some cyclists bitching about each other like 10 year old girls, but hey ho – I’ve ridden fixed since ITV sponsored Muddy Foxes were all the rage(!), so yall are fakendugs. Or as Walshy said above – fakelists the lot of you!!
Anyway keep riding everyone and enjoy another beautiful day on the bike.
— Dug Jun 11, 11:48 AM #
The difference is Dug, or do you mind if i call you dog, is that we is rockin and you is suckin
— keeping it fakenger Jun 11, 12:08 PM #
yo flappy feet, the loon who wore a top hat with feather (and frequently also full skelington skinsuit)was the dear boy Rohan, he used to control a bit too and I had the pleasure of being directed by him at my first firm, Hornets. He’s moved to bournemouth or somewhere some time ago and I’ve sadly lost touch with him, but he was most definitely the real thing, barking mad and all-lovely bloke.
S.
— nanosan Jun 11, 01:29 PM #
Once, in the pissing rain I said, ‘nice weather for it’ to him and he said, “I din’t come to work for the weather.”
Well he couldn’t have come in for the money so I was a bit confused. Next time I saw him on Roseberry Ave I dropped him the miserable cu..
— _muppetbot Jun 11, 02:00 PM #
har! thats right! the skeleton skinsuit! what a lovable nutter. he was controlling at wheels when i was there. he told me off for shouting wanker down the radio at him all day. but it wasn’t me. it was about 3 other people winding him up…
@ muppetbot “I didn’t come to work for the weather” is now my second favorite quote… sounds like it should have come from arnold swarzenmessenger
— flappy feet Jun 11, 02:41 PM #
Hello everybody.
I dont fake being a messenger. I just ride the bikes I like that suit the purpose best. I wear the clothes that work and use a bag that lasts. Low and behold it is similar to a messengers gear, because my needs are similar.
I’m a commutinger and a cycloverenger.
I’m friends with a couple of messengers. I make 3 times the money they do and work shorter hours. Obvioulsy that is not the be all and end all but its hard to live in Dublin on a messengers salary… let alone afford all the schweet new chrome stuff I just got (thats a joke).
Ta ta
— Scary Aug 30, 04:00 PM #
What do you want, a badge?
— Ronnie Darko Aug 31, 10:28 AM #
blue peterenger.
— _targetbot Aug 31, 10:39 AM #
Yes please, but only if it helps me trick people into thinking I’m a messenger… coz I’d love that!
Peace
— Scary Aug 31, 02:53 PM #
you suck. Now fuck off.
— Eddy Merckx Aug 31, 03:31 PM #
Scary you makin all that money and bitchin around in your full chrome get up but you still can’t get laid! That’s sad is it not?
— Scared Aug 31, 10:32 PM #
I worked in the building next door to the Duke for eight years and I have never been in. I mention this in case anyone sees me on the Langster or Pista I’m planning to buy and thinks I’m a “fakenger” (puhleese). I’m not, I just fancy a fixed gear bike as an occasional alternative to my Brompton. Similarly, if my jeans are rolled up that would be to keep them out of my chain and if they’re dirty, it’s because I’m a slut, not because I want to pass myself off as a homeless.
Peace y’all.
— Paul Bowen Nov 4, 09:59 AM #
sorry peps, forgot “BOORING” cunts
— michael.toivonen Dec 20, 02:22 AM #
i guess its sorta flattering, till one of them trys to “race” you during work and gets someone hurt. endless bummer.
— sardine Jan 7, 09:30 PM #