Go to content Go to navigation Go to search

Dear Uncle Buffalo
16.01.06 by Buffalo Bill

Normally Aunty handles the agony duties, but she was temporarily indisposed when we received this latest request for assistance. Due to the urgent and very delicate nature of the call for help, I thought it best that I addressed it immediately, without waiting for Aunty to get back from the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Oh shit! Sorry Aunty, I forgot that the NA thing was supposed to be a secret.

Dear Aunty,
I work for a TV production company in Soho, and we are desperate for programme ideas to pitch to Channel 4, Channel 5 or any channel with a few quid to spend. Our director’s got writer’s block, the producer hasn’t been able to reach her coke dealer for days, and our runner went out to Bruno’s for 5 bacon rolls, two danish, 2 teas no sugar, a large cappuccino and a sweet black coffee yesterday and hasn’t been seen since.
I’m only the research assistant, but they’re all putting a lot of
pressure on me. I just left South Fulham Finishing School and even tho Daddy says I’ll be fine, I can’t even order a bike without getting everything wrong.
Now I have to come up with a programme idea by the end of the day.
Please help!
Sille Chao, W1

Uncle Buff gives it some serious thought. pic K Blanchet

Dear SC,

don’t panic. Just do what everyone else in Soho does, and write down the first thing that enters your mind. If you find that the wait for a thought to enter your mind is rather too long, then just write up the first thing to walk through the office door – this will almost certainly be a bike messenger, and the world of television definitely does need yet another badly thought-out programme idea which heavily features bike messengers.

Or maybe it doesn’t. I can’t remember which.

BTW, Aunty Nasty just got back, and she says that she thinks that a ‘sweet black coffee’ is a short black, or an Americano with 4 sugars.

Escape from Bolton - Friday 19th September
How people end up here
Aunty Nasty #6
Aunty Nasty #5
Aunty Nasty #4
Aunty Nasty #3
Aunty Nasty #2

<  ·  >