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Dear Aunty Nasty #1
12.10.05 by nasty

Dear Aunty Nasty, I have a rather personal problem, which I’m sure is experienced by many messengers, but as soon as I bring the subject up, it always goes quiet for a moment or two, and then the conversation changes to something different… well, the thing is, I keep getting these saddle sore things. And sometimes they hurt an awful lot. Help me so I can ride my bike without the pain.
Chafed off in SE13.

UK's only breatharian messenger is nasty

Dear Chafed, well the first thing is, you’re not alone in your suffering. I get them too. They start off small don’t they? But without the proper care and attention the little buggers quickly get more painful and bring a tear to you’re eye with just the slightest squeeze. A very good acquaintance of mine had the horror of the sore growing into a fistula. He had to pack out the space in his nether regions for a good few months. Something you do not want. Ever.

So here’s my advice: Try washing more regularly. Basic personal hygiene should be number one on every messenger’s list. Get outta your shorts as soon as you get home. And don’t wear the same pair all week. Make sure laundry is part of your vocabulary. Having a long bath is good for softening up the skin in such sensitive regions, it’s also good at bring out the puss to the surface of the skin. Make sure that your leatherman/needle/rusty blunt butter knife is sterile before you dig it into the offending pustule. A shot of vodka normally does it for me. Better still, ask your partner to give it a good squeeze or dissection. Try using chamois cream on your shorts. You can get it from Condor. They’ll give you that knowing wink as you hand over your $’s. I’ve had good luck with assos, better luck with sixtufit gessass crème but perhaps Vaseline and some tea tree oil might do the trick as well. Phil’s grease should be left for bike repairs and not put on your butt. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Dear Aunty Nasty, I’ve just started work as a courier in London and I was wondering what the best way to get out of getting a ticket from the police is?
AC, Cockfosters

Dear AC, Diarrhea. The messenger’s friend. Diarrhea. Just tell them you got the squits – that’s why you’re in such a rush and why you blew that red. Works without fail every time. Just be polite about it – don’t say to the constable: ‘I’m gonna shit myself’, just be patient, use some common sense and some body language – let them believe that if you’re detained for much longer then… you just might fill your shorts…

Diarrhea is also a great reason for calling in sick after a night of indulgence. Chemically imbalanced or still inebriated? Call your dispatcher and tell him you got the runs… 100% guaranteed excuse for not turning up for work.

Remember – diarrhea is the messenger’s friend.

Dear Aunty Nasty, I recently visited New York for this big race thing and someone sold me what they said was black Japanese track bicycle grips. I saw lots of really trendy messengers had them on their handlebars. But when I got home I couldn’t get them onto my handlebars. Gary, the Saturday boy at my local bike shop is flummoxed… What do I do? They match my bike so well – it’s black, just like every good messenger’s bike should be.
Brian, London

Dear Brian, you were indeed sold track bike grips. Sounds like the ones for kierin bars. I’m guessing you’re using those profile airwing handlebars on your bike. Well, those grips just aint gonna fit onto to bars. No way. No sirree. Not ever. The problem is that those grips are supposed to go onto 25.4 mm diameter bars. So getting them grips going onto a 26.0mm bar is gonna be harder than getting a stocking onto a chicken’s lips. I’d try getting the right bars; I heard Ciclos Uno in Hainault carry them. Otherwise, you could try a lubricant like KY or id glide. That worked for me. As opposed to Phil’s grease. And as for bikes being black, well I heard that pink is the new black, fixed is the new forward, and that Tuesday is the new Friday, if that’s any help.

Dear Aunty Nasty, why do I do those things when every time I do them I say I’ll never ever do them again?
Malcolm, Camden

Dear Malcolm, I don’t know. But it’s a question I ask myself every morning.

Dear Aunty Nasty, what’s the best courier bag?
Big G, Se1

Dear G, I personally prefer Harvey Nick’s food hall for design quality. Or Waitrose for overall sturdiness and longevity.

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