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Aunty Nasty #3
21.11.05 by nasty

Aunty Nasty
Brakes or no brakes? I wanna be down with the Steps Crew, but I bought my condor with the brakes on it .
Spaz, e8

nasty communication

Dear spaz
This is opening up a can of worms. I personally run brakes on my track bikes when I ride on the road, and take them off for my frequent visits to the velodrome. I will leave you with this thought, bearing in mind the following comment from my esteemed colleague, Dr Crank… fixed or geared?
I’m lucky enough to have the choice of a different geared or fixed wheel bicycle for every day of the week, so you can understand my dilemma.

“If looking cool is your primary concern, then by all means ride a track bike. If you want to get the job done in the right manner, then ride a geared bike,” he writes. “To do otherwise is to perpetuate the myth that bike couriers are more interested in hanging out and looking cool than working hard.”

Enough said I think on this subject.

Dear Aunty Nasty
Whats the best way to make my bike lighter?
Slowpoke e1

Dear slowpoke
I’ve often found the best way to make my ride lighter is to take a big shit. This makes you lighter, therefore your ride is lighter. That’s common sense dumbass.

Dear aunty nasty
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Aunty, should I tell my fiancée’ what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or…..should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Pat. N1

Dear pat
I’d be more inclined to wait until youre married, then test your wife. I’d suggest that whilst consummating the marriage, tell her that you did her dad. And her mum too. Just hold on tight. Then ditch her. As your loving aunty I know mistrust is genetic.

Dear aunty nasty
There is this pizza, which like looks mingin, and yet ma mates say its soooooooooo good, and the cheese looks dry and its rlly repulsive, and yet i have the urge 2 try a bit, shud i?!
Skanky (via txt)

Dear skanky
White lumps of salty stuff onnit? Feta pizza . Leave it well alone. It’s yet another instrument of the devil, like poodles, fort track frames and manchester united. Stick to kfc and pot noodle. Food you can trust.

Dear Aunty Nasty,
Can you possibly shed some light on a current dilemma I’m trying to work through, I understand that you can ease my pain with your infinite wisdom. Here is the situation I need your help with.
Basically I struggle holding down relationships with members of the opposite sex for any length of time. Recently I thought I was onto a winner. Unfortunately, post Duke I walked in to my bedroom to find some Addison Lee messenger pumping away on my bed with my betrothed. I was horrified; I spun out & punched the first thing I could. Now when he sits on his bike he is in danger of losing his saddle up his arsehole. Anyway this is one relationship of many that has gone off the rail.
I have recently left the Big Smoke in search of solace elsewhere; either that or I had pissed off all the companies that I worked for. To counter the problems I have with women I embarked on a long distance relationship. By long distance I mean Bristol, this is an effort to discover what my failings are. I feel that perhaps I’m not the nicest person & therefore I am trying to discover if the distance will help my relationship.
There is a huge drawback however & this is what I need your help with. What are the moral implications behind engaging in physical relations with other women? Obviously I don’t get nearly enough sex, we don’t see each other nearly often enough, a conscious decision I made, I realise, but I didn’t think about the physical needs I have. Can you guide me please; offer me moral justification about sleeping around.
I hope you find the time to help. In return I’ll buy you vast quantities of lager of your choice, perhaps this selfless offer of beer will in itself go some way to easing my guilt.
Yours Sincerely
Coc van Beaucoupderriere,

Dear c vbd
Oh dear, sounds like you’ve got yourself in a right old pickle. Well from the above, it does sound like you’ve pretty much failed with women you f***ing sad loser. Firstly, why would you think that a long distance relationship is going to help you discover what your failings are? Have you ever considered getting a girl a little closer to home? Or just becoming homosexual?

And I cant give you any justification for sleeping around, that’s your issue, however I can suggest some alternatives as I found myself in a very similar situation myself a little whiles ago, before I was whisked away to the happiness of the Isle of Wight by Uncle Nasty.

I found solace in self-medication, namely imbibing vast quantities of prescription and illicit drugs and alcohol. That helped me get my mind off it.

Knitting is good productive fun and guaranteed to take your mind off lustful thoughts.

Join your local library. Reading is good for you.

Have you ever tried masturbation? That’s a sure fire way of relieving your physical needs, unless you’re a catholic and in which case you’re screwed. In fact if you are a catholic you shouldn’t be asking me this question anyway.

And as Aunty Nasty doesn’t drink any more, you can donate the vast quantity of lager to a children’s charity of your choice. Or just give it to Bill, he likes a beer or 12.

Dear aunty nasty
Hi! I’m Robert Szilagyi from Budapest, Hungary. I’m a bike messenger since 2003.I would like to work and learn in London. Would you employ me as a like messenger.
I speak some english and german.
Thank you for answering.

ja. selbstverständlich. kommen Sie zu meiner Stadt vorbei. Sie können an meinem Haus bleiben. Sie können mit meiner Freundin schlafen. Sie können einen Job bei meiner Firma haben. haben Sie tatsächlich meinen Job. und Fahrt um meine Stadt wie dumbass auf irgendeinem Stück des Scheißegetto-Schiene Fahrrades und dann gehen und piss weg vom Hauswirt meines Einheimischen durch Straße trinkend außerhalb seiner Einrichtung, während, den allgemein gehaltenen Glauben verewigend, daß Fahrradkuriere Abschaum sind.

And to anyone else that can be bothered, that’s german. Cause like Robert, Aunty Nasty can be a smart arse too. When are you kids gonna learn that your Aunty Nasty isn’t your mother. did you copy that #18 dan???

Dear Aunty Nasty,
I have a problem that requires your assistance. Often socially I encounter an insufferable urge to take my clothes off and flounce around in the nod. This usually causes no problem as the social circles I move in are very liberal. They generally see this as me being ‘charismatic’. The only problem is that some of the better organised social events are being photographed. The people that are publishing these photos don’t seem to think that I mind others looking at pictures of my pee-pee. Obviously I don’t really mind but my girlfriend & my mother think it cheapens me. What should I do?
Yours Sincerely

Dear quorn
Hate to be harsh, buddy, but in England public displays of nudity are frowned upon and rightly so. I’d keep your clothing on, really I would, as from the polaroids you sent, well lets just say, in a North American style, say “weiner”? and my dear friend, be aware that if you’re a “look at me, look at me I’m a vegan” that quorn product contains dairy in the form of whey protein. Not like a product such as…tofu.

em>Remember kids, Aunty Nasty loves to help you as much as she loves you.

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London messenger calendar!

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